Fundamental Changes

Can you find me?

Last week’s post brought up some interesting discussions. When miscommunication happens, how do you change your way of thinking or yourself to fix the situation? I suggested that changing oneself is the most effective way to obtain that dream job or relationship. The response I got was overwhelmingly “Don’t change for other people.”

What constitutes a fundamental change?

I talked about changes that I’ve recently made in my life. I meet with a nutritionist. I joined a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class. I signed up to run a 5k.

My friends tell me that these aren’t fundamental changes- they are new activities. On my end, these changes really do feel like fundamental changes. I won’t be the person that I was before as a result of doing them. The nutritionist spoke with me about how I describe myself. Now, I have a bizarre sense of humor, so I tell people I’m an Ewok. Short and fat. In the future, I picture myself as that fat Grandma you go visit who bakes cookies with her grandkids. As someone on a quest to lose weight and be healthier, I’m going to need to describe myself in a new way. So, what’s short and thin? A pixie? I just can’t see myself as that. Am I going to be an old lady gymnasts? Who knows. The nutritionist suggests that part of my issue with losing weight is an inability to see myself in a redefined context.

This is something I struggle with and want to change, but have pretty major reservations about actually seeing the change. So while my friends would say that I’m focusing on my health and getting better, they don’t see me as becoming a new person. I do, and moreover, it’s something I’m doing for outside perception, not for me.

Is it worth it to make a change for someone else?

I would say I am a happy person (within the context as described in this article, which I think is one of the most illuminating things I’ve read recently). I generally look to the future in a positive manner and think things will work out.

I do make the world a little better. I volunteer. I help people when I can. I foster dogs. I think I have a positive net impact and generally am happy with myself. But, that doesn’t translate into having everything I want in my life. I would like a more challenging career. I would like a fulfilling relationship. To get those, I am making fundamental changes for someone else. Clearly, I don’t impart to others those characteristics that draw them to me, so I am changing in order to be the person they want- at least to some level.

A good example of this is ballroom dancing. I love to dance. I like to dance with other people who like to dance. Would I enjoy going ballroom dancing every night of the week? Absolutely not. Coming home after a night of dancing, all I want is to sit quietly on my own for a while. It takes me a few hours to decompress and relax. I do it because I meet new, interesting people. Otherwise, I could dance around my kitchen, sing along like a crazy person and do what I want. I go out because of other people.

Do you agree with others? Are the changes I’m making not fundamental changes? If they are, am I naive and am I doing them for myself? If I am really doing them for other people, is that wrong?

 

Author’s Note: I would be concerned if I were making changes for a specified person. In my case, these changes are for some unknown future relationship and employer, and therefore are acceptable. In the photo, I’m in the upper left hand corner in the white gi. You can see my feet around my opponent in blue.

When Does Self-Improvement not Improve?

Since I have an obsessive personality, I’ll do one thing more or less continuously with my free time. Three weeks ago, it was walking. I did almost thirty miles in a week. Last week, it was watching TV. I caught all of Season 3 of Downton Abby and The I.T. Crowd from start to finish. This week, it’s nonfiction books. I’m currently listening to Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and reading The Art of Thinking Clearly and CTRL ALT Delete: Reboot Your Business. Reboot Your Life. Your Future Depends On It. 

Presenting my Capstone: Graduate thesis

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I want to focus this year on being better, not doing more. So, most of the books I’ve read this year have been business or professionally focused. Now that I’m getting into Quiet, I’ve been presented with a new question: Are the things I’m doing to make myself “better” having the intended effect?

Quiet implies that all of the business communication books I read and try to employ goes directly against my personality. I know that over time, I’ve made myself far less introvert than I was as a child. As described in Quiet, I attended a business school with heavy focus on group interaction and communication. I was an AWFUL public speaker. Even having had years of performances as a classical bassist, I would get awful stage fright playing and that haloed into other parts of my life where I was the center of attention. As the author seems to be recommending, I went out of my way to work very hard at overcoming this perceived shortcoming. I took all the public

Playing bass with stage fright

speaking courses in the school. I joined Mock Trial and competed at the National level. I started working for Apple, Inc in their retail store and trained long and hard to become a theater presenter.

The first time I took the Meyers-Briggs personality test was in my seventh grade social studies class. My teacher, (ret) Major Payne, told us that the military actively forces soldiers to become extrovert as part of their training. He said that while introversion is valuable in some lines of work, members of the military need to actively and continuously communicate situations. In the 20 or so years since that test, there are two letters that I’ve never changed- Introvert and Intuitive. However, listening to Quiet caused me to look at my scores, and while I’m still a relatively “strong” introvert, the number has significantly decreased from my first test to the one I took about six months ago. Is lessening my introversion improving me as an employee though?

In some ways, trying to improve oneself is guaranteed to make them “better”. Like, I enjoy doing online courses. Learning new things can never be bad. I’m also actively attempting to make dietary lifestyle change. Since I have issues with food and weight, taking the time to really focus on that aspect of my life and see how my body reacts to different foods has been enlightening, and made me a happier, healthier person. I don’t dispute in the least that these are improving me in the “right” ways. But, is changing my personality to make me a better team player or more marketable or more social a “good” thing? From a dating perspective, it probably doesn’t hurt that I no longer have crippling shyness and can hold a conversation with someone. I still can’t say that parties are my favorite thing in life, but I’ll go to them when I feel the need to meet new people or to have certain experiences.

I’m curious how you decide what things you want to change about yourself and if you think the changes that you’ve made have been for your benefit or that of greater society or have no benefit at all. Instead of reading all these business communication books, would I be better served spending my time deepening my content understanding? That might be a little dangerous… I just finished The Grand Design and after reading it, I think I’d really enjoy being a Quantum Physicist.

Quality, Not Quantity

2012 was a year all about trying new things. I needed to get out of my funk from being laid off and generally being depressed. By setting a goal of learning something new each month, I forced myself to “get out there.”

Starting 2013, I knew it was less about trying everything and being busy and more about self-discovery and improvement. Instead of reading 80+ books that were silly romance throw-aways, I’ve set a more modest goal of 30 books, of which I hope the majority will be business or improvement related. If you’re interested, I keep Goodreads (widget on the side here) up to date with what I’m reading.

I’m really reassessing my life, as in May I will hit one of those “big” milestones of turning 30. There are certain things I haven’t done and I made a little bucket list to do them. Some are less immediately achievable than others, but at least putting it down in writing holds me responsible for them. To that end, I’ve also started journaling. Don’t worry, I have no intention of putting my daily thoughts/emotional baggage online. This is just for me and about clearing my head. Speaking of clearing my head, one of my favorite things to do is swing. I found a park near my house that’s always empty. Here’s a picture of the view, complete with my shoes, for your enjoyment. If you swing high enough, over the dune in front of me, you can see the Pacific Ocean. I love this park.

In the interest of self-improvement, I’ve started a few online training classes. From a professional point of view, I look forward to seeing what instructional styles have been chosen and how I might have altered the training had I been its designer. From an educational point-of-view, I hope this training will improve my life.

The purchased (all from Groupon) classes are:

• iOS and Android App Design
• TESOLS.com- TESOL certification
• Cisco IT Network Training Package

The free instruction classes are:

• Duolingo French
• Duolingo Spanish
• Skillcrush.

I like to think that I’m fluent in Spanish, so for Duolingo Spanish, I’m actually just taking all the tests to pass out of each level. If you aren’t familiar with this program, and want to learn a language, you need to check it out. I found it from Timothy Ferris (someone who I’d love to meet if anyone wants to set that up for me). He mentioned it on his blog, so I signed up. Today I received this email about how it’s more effective than Rosetta Stone (ironically how I originally started learning Spanish) and college courses (where I finished learning Spanish).

Over the course of the year, I’ll update on how my training with each of these is going. Right now, I haven’t started any of the purchased classes. In French, I’m level 2 with 85 points and 36 words. In Spanish (which I did in one afternoon as opposed to several days of French), I’m in Level 7 with 1048 points and 272 words. I discovered Skillcrush yesterday and have only done the first unit.

From a personal interest/professional development standpoint, I’ve also signed up to attend TedXMonterey in April. I can’t wait to see all of the inspiring speeches there. So, it’s not about all the things I can do this year, now it’s about how I’m doing things to make myself a better, happier person.